Nightmares, Flashbacks And Hallucinations: Meet The Women Living With Ptsd metro.co.uk

Post-traumatic stress disorder can affect all types of people, as a result of all sorts of traumatic experiences. I have lived with PTSD for a year now, and am currently in therapy. My traumatic event happened nearly four years ago, with the PTSD only having been triggered in December 2017.
My PTSD was suppressed for years. Somehow I managed to block out all the pain that the event had caused. Four years ago I had been admitted to hospital after falling gravely ill, and after a week of misdiagnosis, I heard my own bowel begin to explode before I went down for major surgery to have my large intestine removed. I woke up with a stoma bag. This surgery, which was caused by inflammatory bowel disease, affects lots of people. But as mine was an emergency I had no time to prepare, and this affected me mentally. It’s important that we acknowledge that PTSD can come in many forms and can be triggered by all types of experiences. Megan, 26, from Northamptonshire, has lived with PTSD for around two and a half years, after being diagnosed when she was 24. Her PTSD developed a year after her abusive relationship ended.
Megan was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for two years when her ex-partner eventually ended it – which Megan says was the ‘best thing’ he ever did for her. She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘My symptoms seemed to have gradually crept up on me as I started experiencing repetitive nightmares, where I’d wake up dripping in sweat, trembling and in a panic. ‘They’d either be memories or scenarios that hadn’t happened but my dreams were somehow making them up each night. This resulted in suffering from insomnia – I was being woken up daily as well as feeling afraid to go to sleep. ‘Having no sleep meant that it was all affecting my mental health even more. ‘I started experiencing flashbacks of certain violent events, which were triggered by anything really – smells, objects, topics of conversation, the media. ‘It still happens to this day, as though I’m re-experiencing the trauma all over again. ‘It can often lead to a panic attack if I can’t calm myself down.’ Megan says her PTSD has made her ’emotionally numb’ with other people, feeling nothing for others and becoming irritable easily. To this day, she avoids going anywhere her ex may be, because she is terrified of him.
Megan continued: ‘PTSD affects my daily life because I feel jumpy a lot and get triggered quite easily. ‘Something as simple as cooking with a knife can upset me. I have a different boyfriend now, however it took quite a long time for me to feel close to someone again and open up about anything because I was so emotionally numb. ‘It’s the same with friends, I’d only started getting closer to people again once I was diagnosed and learnt ways in which to cope. ‘I currently have a support worker that visits me once a week, she’s really helped me come to terms with things and given me new techniques in how to handle when I experience a flashback or nightmare, especially if they lead to a panic attack.’ Megan says she didn’t know much about PTSD before she was diagnosed – and had this ‘stereotypical idea’ that it was a ‘horrific condition’ that only veterans suffered with. She said: ‘For a while I didn’t understand and I felt like a fraud because I didn’t feel like I was a brave person whereas they are. ‘I felt like I’d let this person mentally and physically hurt me therefore I was to blame. ‘I soon learnt that it wasn’t my fault, that I’m not weak and I am a brave person. It just took a lot of time, understanding and work. ‘I’m now very open about suffering with PTSD because I understand more, I know that I needed educating a little more.
‘Like any mental health condition, its debilitating and if someone feels like they can openly talk about it then they have every right to, as talking helps so much.’ Sara, 26, lives in Paris. Back in 2015, she was trapped in a room and suffered an attempted rape. Two years later, she started suffering from symptoms of PTSD. She says leading up to it was like a ‘slow poison’. Sara said: ‘I went to the doctors in October 2017 and I was diagnosed with extreme depression and anxiety and put onto a course of Sertraline. ‘While the medication literally saved my life and allowed me to function, I regret that it wasn’t until the following summer when I was mugged in London that my symptoms went into overdrive and I came to terms with the fact that I had covertly been dealing with PTSD without ever receiving the support. ‘The doctors that treated me knew about my trauma but never steered me in the right direction. No one ever mentioned PTSD. ‘In my relationship, my now ex-boyfriend was very dismissive and lacked understanding or interest in my anxiety and difficulty in doing simple things like being able to get on the bus to go to uni. ‘Living in London with undiagnosed PTSD only two years after an attempted rape was hellish. I’m sad that the professionals involved never used their expertise. ‘I had no idea what was happening to me, I just thought I was either going insane or overreacting, so went into overdrive to try and cancel out the difficulties.’ Sara feels PTSD is extremely stigmatised, and that many people suffer in silence. She added: ‘My PTSD came in all of the forms that no one writes about: immediately after my assault I can reflect on promiscuity after the rape attempt to cancel out the fear, complete ignorance and denial.
It was only until a year later that I did go and see the doctor a few months ago who “medically confirmed” I was most likely suffering from PTSD, but because like all mental health the symptoms and experiences are so broad and varied, no one likes to carry such a brand, or indeed assume.’ Sara says her PTSD left her fearful of leaving the house, and certain sounds, smells and figures in the street – especially tall people in the dark. She said: ‘I see PTSD as an explanation, but there is always a part of me that is very cruel and there is a voice that tells me I’m overreacting. ‘I think that is part and parcel of the PTSD experience, the doubting how I feel and what is real for me, because there is so little conversation about it. ‘PTSD instills a real hatred and disbelief of yourself.’ Debra, 24, from Brazil, was diagnosed with PTSD last year after a psychotic episode due to bipolar disorder. She hallucinated a scene of sexual abuse. She then developed social phobia, which resulted in her quitting school four times until she eventually gave up and taught herself from home. She tells us: ‘The months that followed the event are actually non-existent holes in my mind, but from 2010 on physical sensations and visual re-experiencing happened often. ‘I stopped leaving the house and self-destructive behaviour worsened from that. ‘I have anorexia nervosa resulting from that as well. Nowadays, blaming myself, feeling guilt and shame and as if I have no “real reason” to have PTSD is constant.’
Debra sees a therapist and has CBT. She also journals as a way of coping with her condition, which she feels helps her better process it. She says: ‘The event was resulting from a mixed bipolar episode, so medication is also important in preventing anything similar from happening again. ‘In all honesty, I didn’t think much of PTSD. I knew it wasn’t a “veterans only” thing, but I didn’t think about it much. ‘I thought I was overreacting or dreaming. I worried a lot more about other things – anorexia, bipolar. The diagnosis forced me to face the existence of the illness and learn. ‘Most of time, I feel as if I have no right to have PTSD, though. I have great difficulty accepting that I got it from something that wasn’t real. ‘Despite being constantly reminded that it was very real and painful to me and has affected my life for almost a decade, it still feels wrong and unfair to those who have faced “actual” traumatic events.’ Debra says she still has a phobia of school, which means she can’t go to university. She also can’t leave the house on her own and has intense nightmares. ‘I constantly check my surroundings to make sure everything is physically real and I’m not hallucinating,’ she said. ‘If anything bad happens, it takes me a long time and much help to accept it as reality and not a repetition of what happened back then.’ Rosalee, 24, is from the USA. She started therapy last September after suppressing a traumatic event for four years. She has had PTSD for six years, but was only officially diagnosed last winter. Rosalee was raped in her first year of college. Her symptoms of PTSD included alcoholism, night terrors, substance abuse, sleeping all day, avoiding going out in public, memory loss, being scared of the dark, dissociation, depression, panic attacks and agoraphobia. She says PTSD still affects her. She has constant night terrors and has developed a binge eating disorder. Rosalee said: ‘I didn’t know much about it and I did believe only war veterans were affected by this.
‘I became more open about it when I finally told my family what was going on. I still forget sometimes that I have it and still forget this has happened to me. ‘It affects me on a daily basis with depression, anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks.
I almost always have a panic attack or chest pressure as I’m falling asleep. ‘I had a couple night terrors over the span of a couple weeks last month. I still need almost every light on at night in order to fall asleep. ‘I still have low self-esteem and feel disconnected from my body. I feel like my mind, body and soul will always feel numb.’ If you think that you or a loved one could have PTSD, it’s important you see your GP or a psychologist for advice. Alternatively, if you are struggling and need somebody to talk to, you can call Samaritans on 116 123.